A man posted a question to an internet dicussion board essentially admitting his confusion about what it means to be dominant in the marriage. He stated (in part):

I have learned what it's NOT (at least for us).

1) It's not assigning more duties or doing less myself.
2) It's not making all the decisions.
3) It's not being less loving to my wife.
4) It doesn't have anything to do with who is smarter.

But I still don't know what it IS.

His wife chimed in with an additional comment:

Part of the problem is that I don't know what I want - I jokingly say I want him to be dominant without me being submissive - but it's really not entirely a joke. I actually don't enjoy being told what to do ONE little bit. Maybe this just isn't for us? But I REALLY like the spanking and the disciplinary feel....

He concluded with the question:

If my partner and I were to just TRY as an experiment for a limited time only to live with me dominant and her submissive (or at least trying) what would we do? How would I act? I can't even think of much I want to change about her or the way our house is run.

Brenna, a participant on the forum, crafted the following extraordinarily eloquent response. Her discussion is divided into three parts.

First, what it means to be "dominant" and "why" he should be the boss;
Second, specific things he can do to maintain the authority his wife has asked him to assume, and
Third, how to make it "real."

Before Brenna's section begins, though, I (Bethany) have a brief comment. I've said what I'm going to say here elsewhere on my site, and sometimes I think people must get sick of hearing me repeat myself. But I will say it again. Just because two things look the same, does NOT mean they are the same. It can be confusing for people who don't know what they want - like the couple above - when many different manifestations of "spanking" which outwardly look the same, are actually not the same thing at all.

There are people who do not want to have or to see any fundamental change in their relationship. Just because one or both members of a couple likes the spanking does not mean that they want or need a domestic discipline relationship. Conversely, there might be couples who want a D/D relationship very much who NEVER spank erotically and only rarely (or possibly even never) use corporal punishment as part of D/D.

Call it what you will, domestic discipline, power exchange, dom/sub, all of these things in one way or another call for a fundamental shift in the roles in a relationship. For many of us who read and participate on this site and others like it, spanking is the outward manifestation or "result" of how these roles are defined. Making it infinitely more complicated as well is the fact that many couples - like my partner and I - who do practice Domestic Discipline also use spanking erotically. We have a fairly good grasp on what we are dong and how it works for us. I know - believe me I know - when I am being spanked "for real" and when it is "for fun," though it would be impossible to explain to an outsider.

There are people, though, who love spanking but want to keep it firmly in the erotic realm. However, for some of them, as soon as you try to relegate spanking to a sexual game, they rebel. It's no game, they assert. It's very real. We want it very badly. There are others who cannot feel comfortable leaving it as a sexual game because they feel that in this arena, it must always be playful, light, and fun. So, in order to justify the harder spanking that they both seek, they begin exploring some of these other paths which may not be right for them. As the wife says, above: "Maybe this isn't right for us? But I REALLY like the spanking and disciplinary feel" A couple can have spanking and a "disciplinary feel" without choosing to live in a Domestic Discipline relationship. It is essential that people realize this.

For those that want to explore this, Brenna's discussion of how a relationship in which a wife submits to her husband's authority might work is truly inspired. She gets to the crux of what it means to be in such a relationship and offers an amazing number of very specific ideas and guidelines.

Part 1. What It Means to be Dominant and Why He Should be the Boss.

I don't really like the term "dominance" for some reason, so I'm going to talk about "authority" instead. I have the impression that sometimes a husband would wonder what would give him the right to exercise authority over his wife. After all, she is an intelligent, educated, competent adult. Why on Earth should she defer to him? Why would a loving modern man ever turn his wonderful, capable adult wife over his knee and discipline her?

In a nutshell, because she wants you to. Because women like us are overwhelmingly attracted to the Alpha male. Because strong, capable, adult women want to feel that there is someone stronger than they are who loves them, who will protect them, who will set limits. The image of the strong, dominant man makes our knees weak and sets our hearts fluttering.

Some of us, including your wife, have mentioned that in this equation we do not particularly desire to be submissive. We don't want his strength to derive from our weakness. We just want our guy to be strong and stern and capable of laying down the law. There are many women who believe that a wife's submissiveness is part of the natural order, and even ordained by God. Others, myself included, don't think like that. We don't give a hoot about natural order. We don't feel that men are naturally created to be the boss. We just know what we like in our personal lives, and what it is about our husbands that sets our knees knocking and turns our insides to jelly.

(Note from Bethany: I would personally qualify Brenna's statement here a bit. I do believe that human females are "hardwired" from millennia of evolution to seek more powerful, capable, dominant men. Just as I think that instinctively women are better caretakers of infants, so I think that households in which the male takes a leadership role often work better, and for good reason. Females and their offspring survive better with dominant males; offspring survive better with nurturing females. We "just know what we like" because we are biologically programmed to look for these things. In my dictionary, that's the "natural order."

However, there is a difference between saying that something probably makes more sense from an evolutionary standpoint and saying that it MUST be this way, and that anyone that doesn't choose this is "wrong," or worse, "sinning." This is America, and people are free to find a lifestyle that works for them and to believe what they wish.)

Speaking for myself now, this doesn't mean I want him to order me around. I don't want him to treat me like I'm stupid, or as if I have no say in the running of the house. I expect to be an equal voice in all major decisions. I expect to be treated with respect, unless I have done something to justify treating me otherwise. I don't want to be his slave. I don't really want our relationship to change at all in most respects. What I want from him is a sense of his authority, a sense of loving boundaries. The kind of authority I want him to assume over me is very similar to parental authority.

Imagine if you will that a child who has lived apart from you for several years has now come to be a part of your household. Think of the relationship you would cultivate with that child. You do not immediately say, "Gee, if I'm supposed to be the parent now, I'd better come up with a list of rules and punishments." You establish yourself as the authority figure because that is what the child needs you to be, but your authority grows gradually, and the rules and expectations follow naturally. You do not perceive the child as your slave. You do not treat the child as though he is stupid, or incapable. You love the child, and set firm boundaries and limits that keep the child safe and secure, and let the child grow to be his very best.

I don't want to give the impression that I want a "daddy" figure, or that I want my husband to treat me like a child. I am just using the closest analogy I can think of for natural, loving authority. This authority does not come about because you are better, brighter, or more deserving, but simply because of who you are. As a parent, you have certain responsibilities, and authority. A military officer has certain responsibilities and authority. He does not have to show that he is smarter or more deserving of his authority. He just has it by virtue of who he is in relation to subordinates. As a husband your wife wants you to take similar responsibilities and authority. Not because you deserve it. Not because she's not capable. She wants this because you're her husband, you're the man, and she craves the strong, dominant, alpha male who can sweep her off her feet, and over his knee if the occasion warrants.

So, how, you ask, how does all of this work? In the next part we'll discuss how to make this all real for both of you.

Part 2 - Making It Real

When my husband and I were first starting domestic discipline we both felt as if we were acting, or at least as if we were trying on new roles. That was fine for starting out, but it was important to me over time to feel as if his authority was real, not just an act. I needed to feel that his authority came from inside himself, and wasn't just scripted for my benefit, and with my permission.

Over time it has become much more "real" and I think the following factors help make it so:

1. He is consistent about enforcing rules. Every so often he will just announce a new rule to me to address something that has been annoying him. For example, I take the Time magazine out of the mail stack, carry it off, and lose it before he ever sees it. The rule now is, if I take the Time, I had better return it to the stack the instant I'm done. If he sees it anywhere but in my hands or in the mail stack I get in trouble. This is the kind of rule I'm naturally going to test a few times. If I get spanked one week for losing the Time, but the next week he just shrugs it off, then it bothers me. I think maybe he doesn't take his rules seriously, so why should I? I need those clear, defined boundaries with predictable consequences. Consistency tells me he takes his position seriously.

2. He always follows through on a threat. If he tells me that I'm going to be spanked later then it is very important that he deliver on that promise. Even if I dread the spanking, I need the feeling of security I get from knowing my husband is a man of his word. Otherwise, it seems as if he wasn't sincere earlier. It seems as if he was just acting, and never intending to really follow through. I need to know that his threats are genuine.

3. He uses discipline other than just spanking. I vividly recall the first time my husband turned to me and said "You're grounded tomorrow. You can stay home, get this work finished, and think about what I mean when I tell you I want something done." My first reaction was a sort of spluttering indignation. Ground me? I'm an adult! Who did he think he was? But then I realized that he thought he was my husband, the man I had wanted to be dominant and authoritative. By grounding me, it made me feel as if he was secure in that authority, and that he didn't just see it as a kind of kinky sexual foreplay. I still need the spankings, and spanking is by far the most common consequence, but when he has the courage to administer other types of consequences it makes his authority more real to me, and it makes the spankings themselves feel more like real discipline than erotic foreplay. Sometimes he will send me to stand in the corner, usually when he is giving me a particularly severe spanking, and he realizes that I need a break. This corner time is never long, but the feeling I get from humbly standing with my nose to the corner, my bottom bare and throbbing, knowing I have more coming is overwhelming. I will timidly peek at my husband and get shivers just thinking how strong and sexy and dominant he is. (Just a note: my hubby never sends me to the corner when he is done spanking, because I think he would consider that wasted bottom heat. I think he feels that the highest and best use of a superheated backside is for sex. Also, after the spanking I need to feel forgiven, and further punishment would probably just dilute the emotional impact of the spanking.)

4. He does not accept excuses or let me talk my way out of consequences. I am gifted in the art of defense. I can take almost any situation and show why it wasn't my fault, why my actions were reasonable, or why I should be granted leniency on this occasion. Your wife probably has similar gifts. In order for discipline to feel real to me, I need to be able to make these arguments. I need to be able to vigorously argue and plead. But ultimately, I need for him to put aside all my arguments and protestations, and discipline me anyway. This means that on some occasions, he might seem to an outsider to be unfair. He might even suspect in his own mind that he is being unfair if I have really done a good job presenting my case. But I don't need fair. I don't need mercy, or second chances. I need firm rules with predictable consequences. If this means that I sometimes get spanked unjustly, so be it. A spanking isn't going to do me any lasting harm, and I really benefit from knowing that I'm not going to be able to talk my way out of trouble.

5. He knows that humor is a natural part of our life, and he does not let it sidetrack him. My husband is a naturally witty man, and I often have the ability to make him laugh even in a fairly serious situation. The injection of humor into a disciplinary situation used to pretty much put an end to any attempt at seriousness. Similarly, children often interrupt the mood. Now he has the ability to laugh or smile at my witticism, or tuck the children back into bed, and then get back to business. This also makes discipline feel real, because we are not required to maintain masks of solemnity or severity. We can be ourselves, and not feel as if we have to maintain a charade.

6. He will punish me with or without my cooperation and consent. This is a trickier point, and one that has been debated endlessly. I have an intense fantasy/desire to be physically dominated, and spanked against my will. Over time it has become clear to my husband that I generally consent to be spanked, whether or not that consent is apparent at the moment. As I have phrased it before, I consent to non-consensual spanking. The trick about non-consensual spanking is that by definition I'm not going along with it at the moment. By definition, I'm not thinking "Gee, isn't this sexy." I'm raging, and genuinely verbally and physically defiant. So it takes real guts for him to wrestle me down and give me the spanking he has decided I need. The good news is that once the heat in my backside sets in, my attitude changes. I begin to realize that this is my fantasy come true. I also begin to listen to him, and understand his position better, even if I may never agree 100% on the substance of the issue. This kind of spanking is rare in my house, but knowing that when he tells me to bend over, he is prepared to use force, makes it all much more real to me.

Every couple is different, and things that work for us might not work for another. Some women may not even want to feel that discipline is real. Other women might be genuinely traumatized at receiving a spanking that didn't seem quite fair. Still others might feel that it is abusive to physically overpower and spank her even when she is objecting. These are the things, however, that I need from my husband in order to have that truly secure, warm wonderful feeling.

Part 3 - Maintain Authority

This section is a list of specific things I think a husband can do to maintain the authority his wife has asked him to assume. Naturally, this is what works for me. Every household is different, and has different rules, expectations and standards. There is obviously not a single answer to this question, any more than there is one single perfect answer to how to be a good parent.

1. Put an end to bickering. Just as an officer doesn't bicker with a subordinate, a parent doesn't bicker with a child, and a boss doesn't bicker with his secretary, you should not bicker with your wife. She needs to be allowed to voice her opinions, and depending upon the issue, she should still have an equal voice in decisions. But bickering is the petty argument or recrimination, the sarcasm, biting remarks, conflict without substance. ("If you had come when I TOLD you to, then this would never have happened" "Oh, yeah right, THAT's going to work") This is precisely when you need to say, "Enough. One more word and I get the hairbrush." She will honestly be relieved. She's not stupid-she knows the argument isn't accomplishing anything. She will be glad you stopped it. Instead of thinking "What an idiot he is," she'll be thinking "What a strong sexy guy-even if he is an idiot."

2. Develop a sense of when you should cut off further discussion. This is related to the no bickering policy. At some point matters have been discussed enough. You are not making progress, and things are beginning to deteriorate. That's when it's okay to say, "No more. We can talk about this later." Or, when appropriate, "I've already made up my mind." Again, she might think "What an insufferable toad." But she was thinking that anyway. At least this way she's thinking you're a strong, sexy, insufferable toad.

3. Learn how to use your authority in public. This is not easy because you must also be very careful not to humiliate or demean her in public. This is particularly important if she is a professional woman whose career might be harmed. But she should still respect you and have a sense of your authority no matter what the situation. Subtle signals between the two of you can be very powerful in a public setting. A raised eyebrow, a gentle squeeze, a pointed finger, even a code word can send the message that although she might feel safe at the moment, she is still under your jurisdiction. If nothing else is working, don't be afraid to physically remove her from the situation. Simply say to the others, "My wife and I are going to step outside for a moment. We'll be right back." Then, take her by the arm, lead her outside, and calmly read her the riot act. The fairly trivial embarrassment she might feel at having a discussion outside is far outweighed by the long term benefit to you both of her understanding that you are still in charge and not afraid to do whatever is necessary.

4. Learn how to manage the genuine all-out knock-down, drag out fight. Face it, married people fight sometimes. No matter how much she adores you there are times when she will quite simply be enraged, and a simple "Stop it or I'll get the hairbrush," isn't going to work. Recognize that this is normal, and it doesn't mean you're a failure, or that she will never again recognize your authority. It does mean that you may need a cooling off period. My husband tends to withdraw under these circumstances, and appear an hour later with the hairbrush in hand. After my backside is burning, and my ears are ready to listen, then we finish the discussion in a much more calm, sensible manner. In this situation I am always relieved when he does re-establish authority because deep down during a fight I have a panicked feeling that everything is out of control, everything is ruined, and we will never be happy again. By spanking me, and then having a calm discussion he lets me know that he won't let me ruin our relationship. He loves me too much to let me push him away. It makes me feel very secure.

5. Limit physical aggression to her bottom. Her fantasy of the strong, stern authoritative man is one who will use physical force to spank her bottom. But you must never, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, hit her anywhere else (with the possible exception of the back of the upper thigh, if you're feeling particularly brutal.) This means never slap her, punch her, kick her, pull her hair, throw things at her, or use physical violence of any sort. In order to respect your authority she needs to feel that you have self-control, and that she can trust you absolutely.

No matter how angry my husband might be, if he tells me to come to him I can do so without fear. I might fear for my bottom, but I know that he will never strike me anywhere else, and that he would never do me lasting harm. This also means, unfair as it may seem, that even if she slaps you, or throws something at you, you should never reciprocate. You have more physical strength, and you have the authority to put her over your knee. That means you don't need to brawl.

6. Lead by example. If you tell your wife that you will not tolerate cursing, and that she will be spanked for this, then you need to control your own cursing. If you tell her you will spank her for leaving her clothes on the floor, then be sure to pick up your own clothes. A double standard will seem unfair, and it will also make her feel as if you are just grasping for rules without really caring about them. Sometimes there will be exceptions: Just like a child will say to a parent "How come you get ice-cream before dinner and I don't?" your wife may on occasion have a similar issue. "Hey, you swore. I heard you swear. Why is it you can swear but I get spanked?" If it is relatively rare, it is perfectly acceptable in this situation to say, "Because I said so. I'm the guy with the paddle, and you're the girl with the bottom. Do I need to demonstrate?"

7. Be willing to say "Because I said so." There are times when your wife will want to argue and you will feel your authority eroding away. Be willing to say, "Look, I've made my decision. You agreed to accept my authority, and I intend to hold you to it. I'm not a perfect guy, and this isn't a perfect world. Get over it!" She will probably be thinking, "big dumb bully, doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground." But that's better than having her think "Gee-he used to be in charge, but now everything has fallen apart. He just wasn't up to it."

8. Don't delay discipline any longer than is absolutely necessary. If you think she should be spanked for a sarcastic remark, it is infinitely more effective if you take her by the arm, and lead her to the bathroom, the bedroom, the garage, and administer the swats right then. When you wait, she feels like she's not important enough to be worked into the schedule. Also, delay dilutes the emotional impact of discipline. You may find that you are not as annoyed, and she may not be as defiant. Maybe in the intervening time she has had a hard day, or done something particularly sweet that makes it seem not right to spank her somehow. This is why it's best to deal with these things as soon as you possibly can. Also, if you have a habit of waiting until bedtime, then she might well be too tired to really benefit, and she might also get the message that you really intend this as sexual foreplay, rather than real discipline. Sometimes, what is most effective for me is if my husband gives me a few good swats right at the moment, and then another, longer harder spanking at bedtime.

9. Let her cry. Sometimes for a woman, crying during or after a spanking is very powerful emotionally. She's letting down barriers. It doesn't mean anything is wrong. It doesn't mean you're a terrible bad man and you've injured her. At the same time, you shouldn't try to get her to cry from the pain of the spanking itself. A lot of women have an enormous amount of control, and can bear excruciating pain without tears. So don't judge the harshness of the spanking by tears alone. I never used to cry, but now I find that I cry pretty easily. For me personally, to climb on my husband's lap after a hard spanking, and cuddle against his chest, weeping softly as he rocks me and strokes my hair, has an intense emotional impact unlike any other.

10. Be prepared to be tested. Sometimes men are confused when a woman asks them to set limits, and then the woman ignores those limits. Understand, she is not looking for a set of rules because she's too stupid to know what should and shouldn't be done. She's not wanting to be the meek little wife. She's wanting to feel your authority. She wants to push against a wall and feel its rock-solid strength. She wants to know that you really truly mean what you say, and you're prepared to back it up. And sometimes, to be perfectly honest, she wants you to toss her over your knee and spank her hard. When you understand this, then you won't be surprised when she misbehaves. It is important that you be firm when she tests you. Don't think that this means things aren't working. This is perfectly normal.

11. Be prepared to change tactics when spanking really isn't working. Sometimes, no matter how often you spank her for a particular behavior, she'll keep doing it. That's when you need to re-evaluate, and figure out what's going on. Is she doing the behavior because she needs to be spanked? Is it just too hard for her to change? If it is a behavior you seriously want ended, and spanking isn't working, then I would suggest you have a serious talk with her. Say, "I've spanked you for this repeatedly, and I'm not seeing any change. Why is that?" Then, tell her you are going to give her one last spanking for this, and it's going to be a hard one. But if the behavior occurs again, then you will be forced to use a non-spanking sanction. For example, if the behavior is staying on the computer too long, you might be forced to disconnect the modem. If she knows that is the next step, then in all likelihood she will make the change you need. Plus, she probably will feel bad for pushing you so far.

12. Learn how to set effective rules. Sometimes when man learns that his wife wants him to exercise authority over her, they both try to come up with a set of rules. This tends to result in rules that feel artificial or more annoying than beneficial. Don't feel as if you need a list of rules right away. When you do make a rule, make it something you really care about, and are prepared to enforce. A good rule of thumb is that if it is something you have asked her to do, or not to do three times, then it's an appropriate subject for a rule. Some rules my husband has for me are:

I'm not allowed to leave my things on his desk. I'm not allowed to set things, especially drinks, on his car. I'm not allowed to use his nice books as a coaster. I need to be in bed within about ten minutes of when he turns in. These are things he cares about. If I break one of these rules I can expect a pretty hard spanking as a result.

If you make rules that you don't really care about, or just for the sake of having some rules, then your wife will feel as if you are condescending to her. You are pretending to take charge just to make her happy, but it isn't real. I think it's much better to have fewer rules, but very genuine ones, than to have a whole list of stuff nobody really cares about.

13. Don't confuse simple spanking with bondage or s/m. You and/or your wife might actually be very turned on by the idea of tying her down, and forcing her to say thank you, or to ask for the swats, or whatever. There's nothing wrong with that. But don't get the idea that just because your wife has let you know she wants to be spanked sometimes, this means she wants all these other things. For me, and I think for many women, they just like the emotional security of the simple over the knee spanking, the kind where they can say, "No please, stop," and the husband proceeds to spank them anyway. The other stuff is more for kinky sex-fine in its place, but not the same thing.

14. Don't forget spanking basics. When you spank, don't forget that a bottom that hasn't been spanked in several days will be far more tender and bruise more easily than one that has received regular attention. She will be able to endure a much longer, harder spanking if you start out slow, preferably with your hand. Changing implements from say, a belt, to a brush, and back to the hand will help her to tolerate a more severe spanking. Take a break if need be, and send her to the corner for a few minutes before going on. Try to spank both sides of her bottom equally. Avoid hitting the fragile tail bone with anything hard like a wooden brush. The very lowest part of her bottom and upper thighs are highly sensitive, and should only be spanked in extreme circumstances.

15. Don't forget the "Lecture." She needs to hear why she's being spanked. If its just because you feel like it, that's okay, but say so. If it's because she made sarcastic remarks at dinner, then don't forget to tell her that. She wants to feel contrite and humble, but she can't unless she knows what to be contrite about. She also wants to feel that you are emotionally there with her. She needs to hear you talk about why you are angry, or disappointed. The lecture combined with the spanking gives her the emotional catharsis she needs. One without the other is like pancakes without the syrup, or biscuits without the butter.

16. Use Maintenance Spankings if need be. Often we see posts from husbands and wives who say, "we want Domestic Discipline." She wants to feel his authority. She wants that strong dominant man who will take charge, and throw her over his lap on occasion. But the trouble is, she's such a perfect angel that for the life of them they can't come up with any good excuse. Well, this has never been a problem in my house. My husband could come up with good solid reasons to blister me silly twenty times a day if he were up to it. But for those of you with well-behaved wives, you might consider having a regular time when you give her a spanking "just because." This keeps her bottom in reasonable condition for when and if a punishment spanking is in order, and it meets her need to feel your dominance.

Copyright © 2007 by Christian DD Group.