by Bethany

Recently, I received a letter that I had intended to use in the advice section of the website. But as I thought about the question more, I realized that the issue was one that is so central to many of the couples who are using spanking in their relationships yet at the same time so poorly understood that it merited a much longer and more detailed analysis.

This question was raised by a husband who had been introduced to the idea of "domestic discipline" by his wife. He'd known on some level that she was always a little interested in spanking, but he had never spanked her. Then one evening, she told him that she wanted to introduce him to some new ideas. She showed him some information she'd found on the internet, including material from Robin Whittle's site,The Gentlemanly Art of Spanking, Vicki Blue's site and from this site. They discussed boundaries, guidelines, a framework, and "consequences." The material struck a chord with him, because he felt it explained some aspects of his wife's behavior. He felt he finally understood what she had been looking for. Although he admitted some confusion, he was willing to give it all a try.

This couple began using what is known as "domestic discipline." However, in short order they began experiencing what the husband saw as a serious problem. He perceived that his wife's behavior had gotten worse. What was the problem? he wanted to know. Wasn't he doing it "right?" Was she "testing" as Robin Whittle described? His questions led me to do some very critical thinking about how spanking really works in relationships
a) where an erotic interest may or may not be present and
b)where that erotic interest may or may not collide with what the couple is calling domestic discipline.

I believe that couples that use spanking fall into three categories.

Erotic only. He spanks, she gets spanked because it's a turn-on. They share, at least to some degree, an erotic fetish of spanking. Hard to define, hard to quantify, and nearly impossible to explain, spanking holds a fascination. The position, the submission, fetching the implement, the awful anticipation it's all there. In my sphere, few people enjoy simply the "ass-slapping;" it's got to be "more" than that. For most of the men and women who frequent this website, they not only have a spanking fetish they have a punishment spanking fetish. This is what separates us in some ways from the BDSM crowd. I saw a BDSM "demo" at an adult internet conference once. Although it was "sorta" interesting, I found it incredibly empty. Why? Because in spite of the fact that woman was receiving by far the hardest "punishment" I had ever witnessed anyone get, it seemed pointless. What did she do? Why was he punishing her? He just tied her up and whipped her. Why? It was all so disorienting.

The whole concept of "for her own good," is a huge part of the appeal. Some couples choose to take it in a slightly different direction with full-fledged "role play," completely with costumes and sets. For others, "you've been a bad girl, get over my knee," is quite enough. But for these couples, the main appeal is erotic, even though they are playing at punishment. It may feel very real when it is happening, but it is still erotic. They do not want to go into serious non-erotic corporal correction for "real" faults. Either one or both members of the marriage does not wish to be in a relationship where the wife is in a very fundamental way submissive to the husband.

Punishment only. There are couples - particularly among more conservative religious groups, where corporal punishment of the wife is considered an appropriate "last resort" for a lack of wifely submission. How common is this? Do the couples who practice this truly have no sexual interest in it at all? Hard to answer, primarily because those people are most unlikely to be typing in "spanking" in a search engine. If you're reading this article, you're part of pre-selected group you've already admitted some sexual fascination with the topic.

Erotic and punishment. This is, at least among people on this website, the most common group., Unfortunately, for some couples, it can be the most difficult to orient, because the lines blur, particularly when the couple, as most do, "plays" at punishment.

How does one know? What are the answers? Is it spanking or is it domestic discipline? A domestic discipline relationship is not spanking. Spanking might be one of the consequences or penalties imposed when guidelines or rules are violated, but it might not be. Here's the rub : Just because two things look the same doesn't mean they are. And separating the erotic spanking from the spanking that happens as "consequences" can be very very tricky, particularly when the people involved often don't have it clear themselves. Problems can arise when female partners who really want both - erotic spanking and a domestic discipline relationship that involves spanking - don't understand it (or won't admit it) and they start using "acting out" "bratting" - call it what you will - to get what they really want, which is erotic spanking. What the partner perceives is a wife that appears to behaving worse than she did before he ever started this, so the whole arrangement is at serious risk of being undermined.

Why does this happen? Primarily, in my humble opinion, it's because the wife and the husband have not communicated -- in short, they "don't know what they got." One female correspondent said it best, "He's fine with erotic spanking, but if I want him to really spank me, I've got to mouth off." What's happening here? This woman, like many others, has an image of "erotic" spanking as not "real." Erotic is playful, fun, light-hearted. To get a serious discipline session, she had to misbehave.

Believe me, I understand this! There was a period of years ­ during which I was writing spanking stories as a hobby! - where I asserted that "spanking doesn't really turn me on sexually, I need to be spanked for discipline." (OK. And there's this bridge for sale.) It was a major personal break through for me to realize that I wanted erotic spankings that were at times fairly severe.

I have now gotten in touch with my "inner spankee" and yes, folks, it's true. I love to be spanked erotically. I love to be "play at punishment." I love to be told that I'm a bad girl, and this is for my own good, and to fetch the paddle, and to stand in the corner (well, actually I hate to stand in the corner...) However, I have come to understand that I also desire to be in a relationship with a man who understands my need for a domestic discipline - and that occasionally in such a relationship, violation of the rules might be corrected by a spanking. And I am now very clear that these two things are different, although someone else reading this might have an extremely difficult time following exactly how this is true.

In our relationship, we have spent a great deal of time discussing this, analyzing this, quantifying it. Why? Several reasons. First, we are both undeniably spankos. We have thought about this since we were little children, and the ability to discuss this "hidden secret" with another person, frankly and extensively, is a great relief. I have been 'working" in the spanking field on and off since 1992, but JB is very new to it all. Second, it is my business. In order to understand how this works for others, we need to figure out how it works for us. Third, although I have been writing spanking fiction since 1992, my relationship with JB is my first (and last!) long-term committed relationship which involves "real" domestic discipline and the active concept of submission. Since we're both profoundly committed to the success of this relationship, we must have these conversations even though it can be awkward and difficult at times.

In our own quest for definitions and answers, we have identified the following kinds of spanking: Punishment spanking, discipline spanking, maintenance spanking, and erotic spanking. In these next sections, I will discuss the various kinds of spankings.

Punishment spankings are in some ways the most easily defined and quantified. The theory behind punishment is that some penalty should be exacted or paid for certain kinds of negative behavior even if the young lady has already acknowledged the misdeed. No matter how "sorry" she is, a misstep punished by a spanking will be seen forever in a more serious way than one that is not.

To be effective between adults, particularly adults who use spanking erotically as well, we believe that true punishment spanking should be as far removed from the erotic realm as possible. For us a punishment spanking is two things: First, a punishment and second, a spanking. In our own relationship, we keep punishment spanking direct and no-nonsense. We avoid all things that make our other spanking erotic or arousing. Our guideline, interestingly enough, is parental child discipline. Note: This does NOT mean that we believe children SHOULD be punished in this manner or that OUR children ARE punished like this. It also does not mean that we are playing "daddy-little girl" games and calling them punishment. What it does mean is that the basic "no-nonsense" matter-of-fact elements that are appropriate in parental discipline are appropriate ­ for us ­ in punishment spanking. Conversely, we avoid ­ as much as possible ­ things that make spanking a sexual game.

Some examples will clarify. Going to one's room to wait for a spanking, cutting one's own switch or bringing the paddle or hairbrush, writing a letter of apology or an essay on improving behavior all these things could be part of a child's punishment. Likewise, a child might be punished on a bared bottom, in the over the knee position, or he might be required to bend over the bed, a desk, or a chair. A child might be required to stand in the corner, either before or after a spanking. A mouth washing might be incorporated in some families for foul language or lying. Virtually any spanking of a child would involve some scolding ­ children are not grabbed and spanked without their knowing why or what is expected of them in the future.

On the other side of the coin, there are elements that one would (or at least SHOULD) never find in the punishment of a child. One would never tie a child to be spanked. One would not use sexual apparatus of any sort, a butt plug or nipple clamps for example. One would never administer an enema or require a special punishment costume or panties. A child's bottom would not be stroked, caressed or patted during a spanking. A child would not be spanked naked nor would the spanker be naked. Some small ritual might be appropriate, such as sending him to his room or requiring him to cut a switch, but a child's punishment is not turned into a prolonged "scene."

Once past these guidelines, of course, an adult punishment spanking is going to be much longer and more severe than any spanking suitable for a child. In addition we regularly incorporate several elements that would not be appropriate for a child. First, my punishment spankings are almost always multi-phase spankings. JB spanks... then requires me to stand in the corner... then I'm spanked some more... then I might write an apology ...then more spanking. Second, multiple implements are used during most spankings, even if it is just JB's hand and one other thing. Third, (although this has not happened to me yet) it may at times be appropriate to receive more than one spanking for the same offense, for example a spanking three nights in a row for telling a lie. Fourth, my bottom is usually spread open and/or my thighs spread to expose the tender skin to make that "special" point.

What kinds of behavior merit a punishment spanking? This answer will be unique to each couple who practices domestic discipline, but there are some generalizations available. Most husbands will not tolerate lying, direct defiance, or a consistent sort of carelessness that could potentially either damage the relationship or allow someone to be injured. Beyond this, each couple has issues that are unique to their personalities, family situations, and religious convictions. In one family the wife's swearing would be of no consequence; in other it would merit a spanking with no questions asked. For one husband, an occasional unrecorded check in the ledger would be no big deal; for another, it would mean a spanking every time.

We believe punishment spanking should be achieved in the following manner.

First, it should be administered as soon as possible after the offense is discovered or confessed. The logistics of jobs or children make it impossible to carry out immediately on many occasions, but long delays are not ideal. One caveat: In the heat of anger is not the best time. The husband can be irritated: if he's not at least a little upset, one has to wonder if what she did is "bad" enough to merit a real punishment, but true anger had better dissipate before he sets about inflicting pain on her. So "as soon as possible" means "as soon as possible after he's cooled down." Allowing some time to reflect that a spanking is coming is often a good thing.

Second, the young lady should be sent to wait for her spanking in a designated punishment location. It is a good idea to have a location - such as a basement or garage or barn ­ that is used only for punishment but in many families that might not be possible. If the only location available is the bedroom, it's a good idea to still have something that designates this as a punishment ­ a straight-backed chair that is never used any other time, for example.

How long she waits is very dependant on infraction and circumstances. On an occasion where time is short and the husband is irritated, she might find him barely a minute behind her. On another occasion, for example, if a check has bounced, the punishment might include balancing the checkbook before the spanking; this could take hours (or days!)

What she does while she waits is dependent on the infraction and personal preference, but it should be punishment-related. Watching TV or reading is pointless. Waiting bare-bottomed in the corner... writing that apology ...balancing that checkbook ...or just sitting quietly reflecting on why she's there... all have their place.

A possible exception to these first two instructions might be the rare time when she's caught unexpectedly actually in "mischief," for example the bad habit that he's tried patiently to break. In a home where the wife's swearing is a problem, consider the following scenario. He's outside (or so she thinks!); she's inside washing dishes. A cup breaks and out pops one of the forbidden words that he just happens to overhear. If there are no children around, probably the most effective thing he can do is pull out one of the kitchen chairs, get out a wooden spoon or rubber spatula, bare her butt, and spank hard right there and right then until she's squirming and begging. Then after a short discussion on the evils of four letter words and some more spanking, she's sent directly back to washing the dishes, now with a sore and stinging butt. Although most punishment spankings will not be so direct or simple, there is a place for this occasionally.

Third, the disciplinarian will arrive and discussion will begin. Again, methods will diverge here, and will probably vary dramatically even within one couple, depending on circumstance. At times, a much longer scolding/discussion will ensue. An apology might be read and discussed; the newly-balanced checkbook reviewed and (hopefully!) approved. In general, though, discussion during this phase should focus more on what the behavior was and why; the future will be discussed later. At other times, where the misdeed is clear-cut and acknowledged (and does not involve a real "character" flaw), a briefer and more direct approach can be used. "Why are we here, young lady?" "Because I swore at you," "Fine, get your butt over here." In this instance, there's little more to say.

Fourth, implements will be selected. This is another point at which the "ritual" will vary depending on the couple and the infraction. For us, virtually every decision about a punishment spanking is made by JB. Where, when, with what... all are his choices. He might decide to use a switch, and I would be sent to select and prepare it, but other than that he makes all the decisions. For another couple, it might be appropriate for the wife to select several implements that will be used. Still other couples might have only one implement ­ a special paddle for example ­ that is always used for punishment.

We digress here to deal with a side issue ­ the non-penitent young lady. First, we believe that adult spanking must be consensual in the sense that the female in the relationship has fully and freely consented to the use of corporal punishment and has acknowledged that ultimately when and how it is used is her partner's decision. This does not mean that she will consent immediately and with total submission to every spanking. However, a couple in which a kicking, struggling, screaming female must be dragged off to a beating is not in the right mind-set to be using c.p. at all. This is not domestic discipline; it's abuse. When I use the term non-penitent, I mean rather an unsubmissive young lady who has gone to wait for a spanking but is still pouty, sullen, and/or mentally resistant. Possibly she has needed the help of a few hard swats, and a "Move it, young lady" to get her there at all. Or we may be discussing a young lady who has glibly ignored a clear instruction to go wait for her spanking.

How is this dealt with? In our opinion, this is defiance and a lack of submission that is an offense completely separate from whatever the "real" offense was in the first place, and this must be dealt with separately. If a couple is truly committed to DD in its purest (and at times, its most challenging form) the husband must realize that on occasion the young lady will require initial "correction" to resolve the defiance before the spanking for the offense itself can commence. If he is certain in his own mind that he is correct, he must have the wherewithal to spank her to the "proper sense of regret," before the "true" punishment can begin. On the hopefully rare occasions that this sort of spanking is necessary (if it's necessary too often, the couple needs to examine their commitment to DD in general) it's likely to be a session more stressful and serious than the ultimate punishment spanking will be.

Fourth, the spanking will commence. JB will generally spank me over his knee, though occasionally I will be instructed to bend over the bed, or place my hands on a chair seat. I will be required to bare myself to the panty stage (i.e., pull up my own skirt, pull down my pants) but he pulls the panties down. Why? No reason other than personal preference. Some disciplinarians might prefer to begin the spanking through panties, but we feel that punishment spanking should be as simple and direct as possible; this means bare bottom from beginning to end. I then am required to cooperatively get into position.

Whenever I am receiving a real punishment spanking, I am always asked right before the spanking begins
a) why I am getting the spanking, and
b) if I know any reason why I shouldn't get the spanking.

Once these questions have been answered to JB's satisfaction, he will begin spanking, usually with his hand. I am spanked hard and fast, with no breaks, until I am really begging and squirming. Sometimes, if he thinks he's not making enough of an impression, he will begin using a paddle or the bathbrush at some point here. But whatever implement is or is not used, this phase of the spanking does not stop until I am close to "losing it." How long this is, how hard he needs to spank to get me to this point, though depends on many factors, including how sorry I was before he started and what time of the month it is. (Another article on the site - Barb's Bad Day by Josh contains an excellent description of the stages of a punishment spanking.)

At this point, he will stop spanking for a while, and we "talk" about what I've done, why I'm there, and why I believe it won't happen again in the future. Depending on infraction, (telling a lie, for example, being MUCH worse than "sass") a "phase two" will begin. For a minor infraction, again such as a fresh mouth, he might lecture briefly, then pick up the implement and give me a second, very hard spanking (without ever letting me off his lap) until I am pleading, and begging, and promising desperately and until my backside is at least very bright red and showing the signs of at least a few marks. For a more serious infraction, like a fib to someone else, I might be put in the corner for 5-10 minutes, then get the second spanking. For a really serious infraction, like a lie to him, after the second spanking, I would probably have a second break, during which I would write an essay about why I KNOW this will never happen again, and then go back over his knee again, for a third spanking with (most likely) a cane or switch, our most severe implements. On one occasion I was sent to cut the switch that was to be used during the third spanking after the second.

JB finds that this method of "breaks" and then spanking again on an already tender bottom is the most effective way to inflict a fair amount of "discomfort" (JB's euphemism ­ reminds me a little of childbirth classes!) without leaving excessive bruising or marks.

Fifth, the spanking is over. JB and I generally cuddle ­ but do not have sex ­ after a punishment spanking. I am typically too sore to want to sit on his lap, and will kneel on the floor next to his legs and cry for awhile, while he strokes my hair and talks to me. I almost never cry during a real spanking, but will cry afterwards. Other couples choose to maintain the punishment through a further correction, such as sending her to bed with a hot bottom and no comforting. It's a personal choice.

Copyright © 2007 by Christian DD Group.